středa 2. ledna 2019

New Year's eve

Something unclicked on the New Year's Eve 2018. I was at my freinds, the two couples, three kids, and me and a guy that I agreed to date because I wasn't strong enough to say no to something I wasn't completely sure about.

So there I am, sitting at the table with a glass of vine, and he doeasn't speak much. He's an introvert and doesn't speak much, but when he does, it's embarassing humour, weird. Also, he stammers often and doesn't speak much english. And the chemistry never really worked. The only time it worked was when I was high on an idea, I wrote it down and then sat on his lap and fucked him, used him... That was a very intense thing. But othervise... I don't want to teach a guy how to fuck me right from level one.

And I never thought that being able to speak english would ever be essentional for me in otehr person... But it seems it is.

And also, I need more space. I don't want to kiss him when I don't feel like it. I don't feel like kissing him anymore.

And I think I peeked a bit on how my dear ex felt when I was around him. Gosh, I am not sorry for the fact |I made him feel this way, but |I understand whya he kept pushing me away, but never quite said "Listen, Sabriel, I don't want to be with you anymore."
It's hard to finally end something with a person you think is a bit dependent on you and you don't wanna hurt his ego and feelings and...

Well anyway.

I need to see if it's not just me being oversocialised in the last couple of days... But I am afraid not. And if I am not, there is a breakup comming. And I won't be the brokenhearted one.

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